SCENE: KITCHEN TABLE, SCARRY HOUSEHOLD

MALE VOICE, CONCERNED: Hon, I have a bit of bad news on the financial front. I’ve held off telling you until after we bought our new golf clubs, but, this year, we’re going to have some financial problems. Our spending will have to be higher.  In fact, we’re going to have to spend much more than I think we’ll both make. I don’t think we can get around this one.

FEMALE VOICE, SYMPATHETIC: What’s the matter, dear; are you having business problems?

MALE VOICE, BORDERING ON THE PEDANTIC: No, that’s not exactly the problem; not really. Business should be just fine; in fact revenues may be five or ten percent better than last year. You’re holding up your end too. Your raise will trigger this month. Our income has actually grown, but not enough to finance certain expenses, planned spending for things we really need, some unusual things.

FEMALE VOICE, CURIOUS: What expenses? I know property taxes and utilities have gone up, but have they gone up enough to cause this? I guess I wasn’t paying attention.

MALE VOICE, CAUTIOUS: No, it’s not our income that’s exactly the problem; we have to deal with some other things. I was hoping to avoid this discussion.

FEMALE VOICE, EVEN MORE CURIOUS: Other things – like what?

MALE VOICE, GENTLY ASSERTIVE: Well, we need to buy a new car, and the Rolls Royce is the best and the Smith’s have one. Do you know that the R on the hubcap doesn’t rotate when the car moves?

FEMALE VOICE, LESS CAUTIOUS: Well, of course we’re going to have a financial problem. Maybe the Smith’s can, but we can’t, afford a Rolls Royce. How can you even think about buying one?

MALE VOICE, FEIGNING PATIENCE: You don’t understand; you always get these things backward. The problem isn’t with our spending plans; they’re brilliant. The problem is that we just don’t earn enough to keep up with them. We need a new car, and one with non-rotating hubcaps is on the cutting edge of technology. We don’t want to fall behind, do we?

FEMALE VOICE, RISING IN PITCH: How can you propose to do this? How will you scrape the money together?

MALE VOICE, FEIGNING BUSINESS EXPERTISE: You’re being shortsighted, as usual. First, we can refinance our mortgage to get the down payment for the Rolls Royce. We have five years left on the mortgage; we can just run that up to thirty years again. We’ll never know the difference. We can just continuing paying forever.

MALE VOICE CONTINUING, NOW FEIGNING ENNUI: Then, we can get a second mortgage and put that money in the bank to pay the first mortgage and the new car payments. This will make all our monthly payments affordable. And remember, all our payments will be in the future.

I even have a backup plan. If we can’t get a second mortgage, we can let maintenance on the house lapse. We’ll be able to catch up with it in the future. We can deal with everything in the future. Meanwhile, we can ride in luxury; think how popular we’ll be.

FEMALE VOICE, ON THE VERGE OF TERROR: Wait; let me see if I understand. We’re earning plenty; you’re just planning to spend too much on something we don’t need and definitely can’t afford - a Rolls Royce. It’s not that we’re not earning enough; you’re just planning to spend too much! What an idiot!

MALE VOICE, SPOKEN THROUGH POUTED LIPS: You’re still looking at the wrong side of our budget. It’s not that we’re spending too much; we can afford to spend much more. Our problem is just that we don’t have enough income to pay for that spending. That’s an entirely different problem. It’s just a deficit. We should run this household budget like a government.